HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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