the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
