dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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