What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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