u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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