He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
