zippers are such a cool invention
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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