The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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