i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
