the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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