my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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