Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
