It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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