nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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