i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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