I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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