distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
