Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
