If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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