Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
