listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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