Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
