Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
