My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
