i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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