I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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