I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
