I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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