My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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