My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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