Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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