Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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