Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
