if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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