We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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