really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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