i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
