im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
