she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
