singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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