I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
