I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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