We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
