M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
