I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need a beard to bite.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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