I hate all girls vehemently.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
