Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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