I am in a vortex of obligation.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
