This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
