So drunk its hurt
so explain again why im purple
no
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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