so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize