I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
