Banned from zoo.
Again?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
