went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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