What a fucking waste of an outfit
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
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