I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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