I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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