We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize